Dunkin Donuts vs. Starbucks

When Unum offered me a job in Portland, Oregon…it wasn’t moving 3200 miles away from my friends or family. It wasn’t entering into a new and unfamiliar job. It even wasn’t having to live in a new, strange place….It was “can I live without Dunkin Donuts?” and “will I be the same person in its absence?”

Portland, like much of the world, has a substantial Starbucks presence/occupancy. Think of it in the military presence sense, and just like in the military sense I’ve had to learn how to exist with there being a looming Starbucks on every third street corner. Eventually, I was forced to give in …I mean, I need caffeine in order to do my job (or even just to function at 50% of normal capacity, for that matter). Upon walking into Starbucks one immediately notices the merchandise. It’s like a friggin’ mall in there. Espresso machines, coffee mugs, stuffed animals- -there really isn’t an item that Starbucks has qualms slapping their logo on. So then you get into the neatly formed line and everyone in front of you is the veritable “face” of Corporate America. The lobby is like a snapshot of what it looks like to work in an office; well-dressed, and donning a suit or dress. Every briefcase-laden person order drinks that involves 25 moving parts. I never thought I’d be part of this world. A bit of my soul died the day I learned how to order a drink at Starbucks; how to “speak Starbucks,” if you will. You feel like a sell out to Dunkin Donuts. It’s the kind of underhanded team-switching that is only en par with a Red Sox fan suddenly cheering for the Yankees.

The Starbucks baristas, though, have to be the nicest people I’ve encountered in any industry (they also, curiously enough, seem to comprise 78% of the gay workforce in any city). It’s like the difference between customer service at a Motel 6 and a W Hotel. The baristas will help you order, they’ll make suggestions, and once you become a regular face in the line of pant suits and briefcases they are even given to assigning a cute nickname to write on your drink cup. You laugh and joke with them, and they provide you with a drink that is responsible for getting you through the mental auto pilot of corporate hum drum. The warmth of the coffee is only rivaled by the warmth of the precious baristas. I’m not going to lie- -Starbucks has wormed its way into my heart a little (even despite my misgivings about the prices which beg, “I’m paying what for a coffee?!”).

Ah…then there’s my beloved Dunkin Donuts…it’s like the asshole boyfriend from “the other side of the tracks” that you can’t bring yourself to desert because, in all of their shittiness, there is still something about them that makes you feel good. Unlike the “Corporateite”-laden, mall-like, retail setting of a Starbucks, Dunkin Donuts offers no charming little keepsakes and their clientele is anything but homogenous. Instead of a chipper, flamboyantly gay barista who is just as excited about caffeinated beverages at 5 am on a Monday as he is at 5pm on a Friday…you have someone who “doesn’t make enough money to smile,” and was placed behind the Dunkin’ Donuts counter as a condition of parole through the majesty of work release. Dunkin Donuts’ employees and truck stop diner waitresses are really not far off when it comes to an overt seething hatred for the public at large. Even though I went to the same Dunkin Donuts in Maine at least once a day, every day, there was no chance that any of the 3 American and 6 Eastern European staff members were going to learn my name, let alone give me some cute nickname that they write on every beverage I order. In fact, there’s a good chance they’re going to consistently fuck my coffee up in some significant way, intentionally or otherwise. It’s an internal struggle where most interactions force me to question my love and devotion for DD- -and then I take the first sip of my extra large French Vanilla coffee (with regular cream and three Splendas®) and through sighs of enjoyment I entirely forget my train of thought.

Not to say I’ve learned the names of any of my local Starbucks baristas, they all seem to blend into a delightful sea of gay, and I’m just as happy to see one as I am to see them all. At Dunkin Donuts I didn’t know the names of the people serving my coffee either. Only, I usually give them nicknames to help me to distinguish them to other people who also frequent that same Dunkin Donuts. My former and favorite DD was employed by such aptly referred-to characters as: “Russian” (that was 6 people), “Meth Mouth,” “Drug Mug,” and “Medieval Man.” True story. I’m glad they never discovered my monikers for them- -but luckily I’m current on all of my inoculations, which also probably protected from even the normal, day-to-day coffee tamperings.

Despite all of these factors (and to keep with the “asshole boyfriend” theme), I’ll never get over Dunkin’ Donuts. I go back to it despite the abuse. I love all of the flaws and the mistakes. It’s safe to say that I love Dunkin Donuts unconditionally.
Starbucks, conversely, is like a rebound fling- -just a bump in my own personal road called ‘Life.’ I could forget Starbucks in an afternoon, especially if it weren’t for its overbearing and unavoidable presence. The other thing about Dunkin Donuts…is that it’s not just me. Everyone that has been touched by Dunkin Donuts pledges their caffeine homage to it wholeheartedly. Ask around. It’s not a hypothesis that needs proving. I have not met a single person who “doesn’t like” or “won’t drink” Dunkin Donuts, and people who haven’t experienced Dunkin Donuts, are just future converts- -and that’s not naïve optimism. The comedian, Lewis Black believes that the first sign of the apocalypse is the day he visits a Starbucks only to realize that it is across the street from another Starbucks. Funny and clever, but nay- -I say the first sign of the apocalypse is the day Starbucks buys out Dunkin’ Donuts and subsequently eradicates it from existence. On that day a war will be waged, as the pissed off “Joe’s” of the world unite to put a stop to $6 lattes. In the meantime, I don’t consider my relationship with Dunkin’ Donuts to be over- -we’re just taking a break.