The second part of Halloween is that I work in an office where a handful of my coworkers have children, and at some point there is a metaphysical guarantee that they will displace all of the surplus Halloween candy from their homes to the office break room….so that, in addition to the day-to-day splendors of our jobs, we also get to be tempted into self-inducing glycemic comas whilst adding some thunder to our existing “problem areas.” Fun! Thanks, Halloween!
The third aspect of Halloween is perhaps the most annoying. As a dude, I can understand the enthusiasm that for one day it’s ok for girls to get all whored up under the guise of a festive costume and to get drunk enough for you to have a chance at taking your wiener off the proverbial bench and getting in the game. I mean, have at it. If I had a dick, I would probably do the same thing. For me, though, I’ve always been a big supporter of “be who you are,” so if you’re a whore in life…just be a whore. Own it. Instead it’s like, “I’m a good girl…but one night a year, I get to be a naughty police officer….because I have no imagination….and Walgreen’s tacitly made this suggestion…..plus, my friend, Mandy is going as the Naughty nurse and we look too dissimilar to go as Slutty Nurse twins….ipso facto.” (This girl wouldn’t use any Latin references, but you get my point.)
Each successive Halloween, my Halloween costume disdain has resulted in me dressing as unattractively as possible. One year I was a “house wife,” but the reality of a house wife not the kind you see on TV. I wore a robe, no makeup, my hair was in a towel and I was drunk.
The year after that I was “mixing medications” where I went to Goodwill and just picked out the most hideous shit I could find.
All the naughty nurses must have been busy with cocks in their hands, because a guy dressed as Zorro actually said to me, “Those purple crepe pants would look good on my floor.” That’s ballsy and hilarious- -I mean, that nearly deserved an “honorable mention handy”…just not from me. Anne Frank almost took one for the team- -she loves…nevermind.
Last year I went as a Puritanical whore…which meant, I was completely covered in conservative clothing. Sadder still, barely anyone got the reference- -it made me wonder if High Schools have done away with required reading lists. Either way, the “readers” had a good chuckle.
This year, I’m bypassing the slutty undertones of all commercial Halloween costumes for adult females and just going as a straight up whore. Make no mistake, I’m not talking about some high-class escort- -I’m talking “take my teeth out so that I can blow you in a construction site port-a-potty” kinda whore; the legit and bargain basement type. The kind of unfortunate creature that can’t even be the catalyst for an erection on a prison inmate.
